Raabta

"I don't believe you ever get closure on anything. Things leave a permanent mark on you."

Allison Anders

Relationships can be fickle.

One day things can be fast and loose; the next, things are radio silent.

Sometimes it's that lightning strike of a connection that disappears just as quickly as it flashed in your life.

Other times it's a blizzard that inundates you for days on end and yet slowly but surely dissipates into nothingness.

The continuity between it all is that at some point that presence is not permanent - fleeting at best.

Why do some people just fizzle out of our lives?

Have you ever watched a sparkler (Phool-jari) burn itself out? There's that initial spark of blinding light, followed by sparks flying in all directions in the most simple and yet spectacular fashion, and soon enough what is left is a burnt carcass of something that used to literally/figuratively light us up.

That's what this whole happening of someone fizzling out of your lives is synonymous with. There's a mutual attraction and suddenly you're talking until the middle of the night, like 3AM, cheesing hard over the mutual love for Jane Austen or Faiz as your Phone casts a blue glow on your face. Every time you get a text message your heart flutters, your face lights up, and you are filled with this inexplicable excitement. They've said something witty and you are more than eager to respond to keep the harmless flirtatious banter going. Somebody taps out eventually and the next day happens.

The conversations are always so enthralling, whether they touch on topics of depth varies, but no matter what you are drawn in.

Then, one person gets busy and stops responding instantaneously.

Interest subsides, discouragement sets in, and that vivacious energy between you before ... all but gone.

You stop talking regularly.

Maybe you accidentally get a Snapchat sent to their entire friend's list. You respond awkwardly before realizing they put it on their story.- impersonal and kind of obnoxious.

Weeks go by, and you see them on Instagram living their life. For a split second, you wonder what went wrong, what they're up to now, and if you should reconnect. Rational thought shadows those ideas and you continue scrolling or unfollow them, never to be heard from or thought of again.

What's the causality of these relationship casualties?

Maybe it's the medium.

Texting, messaging, snapchatting, liking, and the rest.

There's this instant gratification we get from it all.

Does it matter who does it for us or why?

Could be a yes, and it very well might just be a no.

Having people readily available at your fingertips means that access doesn't have the same significance that it used to.

Beyond you know caring about the person you're having a conversation with, there's no incentive to give a damn.

They'll still be there if you text back now or later - unless they won't.

When that shift happens from live responses to whenever you feel like it that inconvenience factor comes into play.

Are they actually busy or are they no longer interested?

What did I say wrong?

You have to know that not everyone puts the same amount of emphasis on the connections we have. You hope people value you as much as you do them but when there's no gravity to the connection it's bound to float away. You have to hold it down, and ground it in something real. You have to talk and meet up in person. You have to set specific dates with times and locations. You have to actually go.

People are complicated.

People are simple.

People are simply complicated and complicatedly simple.

Thinking about why we get so preoccupied with just some people who leave and their aftermath brings up the idea that may we care about having someone to talk to, maybe the who doesn't necessarily matter.

Are we able to flesh out what impacts us so deeply when we fall out of contact?

Is the concern specific to the person or is it the connection itself that we enjoyed?

Making the distinction is important but at the same time maybe the two are inextricably linked. Everybody wants someone to pay attention to them. Those desires come and go. Some people need it more than others. For a while, it feels good to have someone as engaged as you are on the topic of you - and vice verse.

Especially when romantic connections can abound but that one-of-a-kind spark is a rarity. Those sparks oftentimes though are not sustainable. And sometimes there's no plan to keep that fire going.

Unless intentional ways of nurturing the flame and keeping the person in your life are made, it's doomed to fizzle out.

Who is to blame? Does it matter? It's probably both of us. The fizzle is mutual.

In the grand scheme of things, We could take charge and talk about going from daily communication to constantly miss one another. We could ask what is going on and mention how we feel.

Do we like what's going on and want to explore this?

Do we put ourselves out and be vulnerable?

It's all up to us. We have choices in how we act. We can enjoy the connection for what it is or we can cut the cords. We can feel good, have fun, smile a lot, and move on.

But,

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn't feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive." 

~Brene Brown

There is a constant feeling in our culture that we might be missing out on something better, therefore, we rarely commit to a decision that we can’t back out of if something better comes along. However 

"There's a higher form of happiness in commitment. I'm counting on it." 

~Claire Forlani